Home

I took a very long nap today in the same bed that I slept in most of my life. I've been living back at my parents home for over six months now, but it still doesn't quite feel right. It's comfortable in the sense that I am somewhere that's familiar and warm, but it's been hard readjusting to the reality of living with my parents again. I am not used to having to tell someone where I am most of the time.
I'm glad I'm here for the holidays, and get to spend time with them, but I'm looking forward to being out on my own again. I know that I could save a lot of money if I would continue to live with them after graduation in May, but I just can't see myself being happy living in a basement for another year. I don't like spiders that much.

I'll be the first to admit when I make mistakes these days. Getting a puppy, and a very energetic one at that, during school was a mistake. He's absolutely wonderful and very sweet, but I can't say that I will be able to give him everything in the coming months. I'm considering putting him up for adoption, but I want to talk to my parents first and see what they think. It's ultimately up to me.

I met a boy. Don't need to go into the details of it, but it's a good fit for now. I'm trying to keep myself level headed about it, and not impose any sort of goals for the relationship. I'm just going to let it be, and enjoy it for now. Boooyaaaa!

Day 3

I am officially 3 days into my Christmas break, and I'm already bored out of my mind. I seriously didn't think it would happen so soon. I figured I had a good 60 hrs of DVRed material which would last about a week, but I got bored of that after taking the pup to the vet yesterday. I am almost to the point where studying actually sounds like a lot of fun. This is what I feared. I could spend a lot of time at the library reviewing my old tests and notes to help out w/ testing in the future. Plus, I could do it on my own schedule now without feeling over loaded from school/clinical hrs. Hmmm. That's a possibility...

Maybe I should spend some time volunteering at my moms clinic. That would probably help out me and them. I might shoot my brains out if I'm left at home again like this for longer than a few days.

I love the word snarky. I don't know why. It kind of sounds like sharky, and that's the term I use to describe my mood when shark week is on. Just one of those random thoughts that I think of when I'm left to my own devices.

Later gators

!

Hello all. Good news. Critical care, mechanical ventilation and hemodynamics are DONE. Whew. That's a great feeling. What's even better is my instructor telling me that the focus from here on out is clinical and passing our boards. I did pretty decent on grades too, all A's with the exception of a B in mechanical ventilation (which I'll take, gratefully).

Everyone mentioned to me how difficult this quarter would be, but I can't say it's been anymore crazy than the ones before. It was daunting to have to check off on the 20 or so vents we have in the lab, but once you can manipulate the Servo 900C you are golden in the vent world. So, for all you RT students out there... just keep going. It's kind of a pain to learn some of the inner workings of ventilators, which in my mind is reserved for mechanical engineers, but it really will help you to pass your boards. Will you ever be sitting in the hospital and be asked whether or not this is a linearly driven piston vent, or pneumatically powered?...no (unless your preceptor is reaaaally evil). Should you know how to compare and contrast modes between several ventilators? yes. I guess each person has a different opinion of the ease of the material, and I liked getting ABGs, peak and plateaus, and then making changes based on that. I really did not enjoy looking at flow patterns. Everyone has different tastes.

So I basically have the whole month of December off. It is absolutely amazing... but I know I'll be bored half the time if I can't keep up some sort of schedule for the days. Laying around in pj's watching movies all day is fun for about... two days. Then I just feel really lazy. I just got a new membership to the Y, so I'll probably spend some time in the pool and on the treadmill trying to keep off that 5lbs I always gain around this time of year from hibernation. I really wish I enjoyed cold weather more, but it sucks and I'm not afraid to say that. Georgia cold is pure hell. It's not a dry cold like out west, but rather the miserable cold that buuuurns deep in your lungs. Icky.

As far as boys go... I have been going out on dates, but to no avail nothing has felt right. I guess I can't really expect much right now, especially when I'm still licking my wounds from this past June. I had been talking/seeing my ex in October, and by epic fail on my behalf, I made a huge mistake. I corrected it by telling him to never contact me again, but of course he ignores this and emails me on my craptastic birthday anyway. He certainly knows the exact worst time try and get back in touch. He tells me that he never wants to hurt me ever again, but just hearing from him drags me deeeeeep down into that dark basement in my mind. I don't get it, but I really think he just doesn't realize how selfish asking for my friendship really is. Anyway, all of this is a moot. It's over, and there's no use in harping on it anymore. I just wish he would really really leave me be. I'm considering changing my email/phone number if it doesn't change soon.

I'm reaaaally looking forward to this new year.

"It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe that maybe next year will be better than the last."

annoyed

I knew that this would happen at some point. Everyone that has been in respiratory has told me that this time would come....

I don't like my classmates. Some, more than others, and there are only a few I can tolerate right now. I just have spent far too long sitting at the table with the kids, and listening to them talk. They could be talking about their shoe, and it wouldn't matter because I'd still be annoyed that I had to listen to them talk about their shoe.

Two in particular just are really getting to me. Both of them think that they are the worlds greatest/smartest/coolest/most important people to ever walk in to the realm of respiratory and I've just had enough. I just need a break from the constant facebook status updates, lame stories to make themselves look better, and an attitude that belongs in a pageant. I'm glad I'll get a break. I'm sure they are just annoyed with me, too, for whatever reasons they have. After this quarter is over I'll probably just spend some more time with other people in the class to give us all a little space.

Ok, venting is done.

Well, I'm out for Thanksgiving break. I'm really thankful for that :)

to a point..

I think I'm being picky for a reason. It's a defensive mechanism I've been utilizing to keep the enemy at bay. Sorry, I watched GI Jane again today. Enough with the military talk.

Anyway. What I'm really trying to say is that I'll be twenty five next week. Panicked? Perhaps a smudge. Lost? Very much so. Ok with that? Depends on the definition of O.K.

The holidays are upon us, which basically means I get sick (which is going on right now... I can feel the little viruses taking over my nasal epithelium), spend a whole lot of time sleeping, listening to angsty high school mixed c.ds, read a few books, and then come up for air sometime around Dec. 31st. But first, I get to take 3 more tests, attempt another critical care check off, and try to survive for another week or so. Am I tired? Absolutely.

I keep thinking to the day I'll graduate. It's going to be a nice day. I really need to take a long trip, and spend some time away from this little bubble I'm in. Having most of December off will really help get me through these last six months. I wish I could say I had a trip planned, but all my friends can't make up their minds for traveling. Hopefully I'll have a nice vacation planned for graduation.

Good night kids.

Lazy Sunday

Sunday should be funday. Instead, it involves me doing homework (or procrastinating on it), washing clothes, cleaning the apartment and trying to convince myself that going to the gym will be fun. I was hoping to go on a hike today, but the weather isn't really cooperating, and it's a bit chilly outside. Not that the cold would stop me, but that wind is shearing and I don't think my pup is quite ready to take on a whole mountain yet (considering that it's 12:30 and he's already passed out at my feet).

So instead of hiking, we are just going to hang out here today. I'm still balking on whether or not to go to the gym. I guess it really doesn't matter one way or another. I'm too busy during the week to work out, and I kind of hibernate in the winter unless I've got someone to go to the gym with. One of the many pitfalls of not being in a relationship anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living my own version of a Wes Anderson movie in my head. Things, places, people, events... all get some weird twist that makes sense only to me. Then I spend time thinking about how weird I really am, or what would people thing if they only knew what I was daydreaming about. It takes a certain kind of personality to understand it. I'm seriously not the traditional southern girl that wears a sundress to a UGA game, eats grits (they are disgusting), goes to church or believes in god, votes conservative, or joins a sorority.

In all reality, I would fit in a whole lot more if I did all of aforementioned things. I'm not sure when I lost my accent, or stopped pretending in Jesus, but I guess it was around 7th grade and I learned about evolution. I went crazy for science, and I still do. I just think a person can lead a just and good life without devoting a life to fictitious a god(s). To each their own, and I just tend to stay removed from that life.

Anyway, just thought I'd write down some thoughts today. Doesn't really pertain to anything interesting.

I'm ready for springtime, stat.

Whew

Ok, so I'd really love to tell all of you the really dramatic story that happened this week, but there would be consequences I would rather not deal with if someone important (not that you aren't important, but well...you get the idea) were to read this. Anyway, suffice to say that there are good teachers, mediocre teachers, and bad teachers. Maybe one day when this particular person is retired I can recount the story, because it has serious implications for students and teachers both. For now, I plead the fifth.

I am so tired. So, so so so very tired. Waking up at 4 a.m. on clinical days will do that to you. I did have a good day/week at school. I took a practice CRT exam and finished it in time, and passed the darned thing on my first try! Which is good, because I haven't even had classes on PFT, peds/neonates and home health yet. I did well on the written RRT as well, so that kicks a lot of butt! The clin sims are still a little trixy, but I am working on them each week. My goal is to be passing all of them by February so that I can just focus on clinicals from there out.

My little puppy is snoring on my feet. He is absolutely adorable. I heart him the most. :)

I just have to make it to thanksgiving break, one more week of class, and then I'll be out of school for basically a month. This is the stuff of dreams! I can't wait to sleep in, go for long drives with no destination in mind, stay up past 9 p.m., see some old friends, take my dog for some hikes, make caramel corn, tell ridiculous stories to my gullible cousins at the campfire, drink far too much wine and pretend for a moment that I have a life outside of school these days.

brrh

I guess it's almost winter. This little basement apartment of mine is going to need a few space heaters soon. And lots of blankets. And some hot chocolate with a movie. I don't like the cold, and I really don't like sleeping alone in the cold. Good thing I have a new fluffy foot warmer in my bed now :)


Just one of those Sundays where I attempt to do some laundry and cleaning. I might pick up Sill's review book in a little while. I know that if I don't keep reviewing constantly I'm going to lose a whole lot of concepts.

Wow. The new puppy really does NOT like this vacuum cleaner.

Can't sleep...

Ah, so as promised, my thoughts on the new receptors in the lungs...IT ROCKS. It really will open a new door to different bronchodialators and hopefully without all the side effects of the b2 agonists. Of course this will all take several years, but hey, then we get to look forward to a new drug for doctors to abuse!

I did email the research paper to both of my teachers and of course the physiologist was intrigued, and the clinician threw it down on a pile of papers that probably have about an inch of dust on them. Such is life. Whenever someone takes the time to say "hey, this article/research paper/blog post was really interesting and pertinent to our work," I listen, read, absorb, and then put it somewhere that I can reference it later. I've noticed in the hospital that doctors will listen to you waaaaay more if you can cite a specific research paper on the topic up for discussion. Of course, then you have to be prepared for him to throw out some other president that was proven in another journal. That hasn't happened to me yet, mostly because I'm still a little scared of doctors, but perhaps one day I'll put on my big girl pants and bust out a little knowledge.

I know this is kind of a subject change, but I'll just go ahead and throw it out there anyway. I'm going to be doing a little cleaning out of old posts on this blog that will violate hippa laws (I've been pretty good about this so far, but I still need to drudge back and see what I've written about so far), and other posts where the ranting could be grounds for not getting a job. No one likes a complainer. So, anyway, a few of the really cool posts so far might disappear. I know you are sitting at your computer and sobbing like a little baby over this, so buck up, there will be more to come!!

I haven't decided how/when/if I want to remain anon on this blog. I figure if enough people read the blog then the dots will be connected and the cat will be out of the bag. Wow. Do I speak in cliches or what sometimes.

Life in general is just kind of skimming along. I made a few really big changes recently, and one of them is gnawing on my foot right now. FLUFFY PUPPY!! (pictures coming later...)

Class is class, albeit a little bumpy these days. Just the normal drama that comes along with seeing the same people day in and day out. I think having the whole month of December off will do wonders for all of our fuses.

Hmm. Random post? I think so.

Goodnight kids

RT goodness

This is an interesting read: http://www.umm.edu/news/releases/taste_receptors.htm

The full paper can be found here: https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=gmail&attid=0.1&thid=12bf392481f4c0a8&mt=application/pdf&url=https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui%3D2%26ik%3Dbf4fc1a539%26view%3Datt%26th%3D12bf392481f4c0a8%26attid%3D0.1%26disp%3Dattd%26zw&sig=AHIEtbSkRMawftacYuYyZuGwQkjkcb9ayA

I hope the second link works. I'll be writing more on it later. For now, I need some sleep :)

Enjoy

Rx: Vino STAT

I'm going to go ahead and write this before I undergo some massive anxiety treatment with some fluid rounds.

I had to bite my tongue so hard today that I almost cut of circulation for most of the morning. LE SIGH. I'm a competent being. I know what I should be doing. I never ever think I know everything, and I really do strive to learn as much as I can when I'm at clinical.

Things are moving a long. I'm about half way through mechanical ventilation, and the pressure is about to start pouring down on us in this last push before xmas break. I'm keeping my head up and just making sure that I can stomach the final check off that is going to make me pee in my pants.

Well. Venting accomplished, and now to go find some nice corner of the couch with the wine and The Fountainhead.

Later gators

greatness

Some are born great, others achieve greatnesss and some have greatness thrust upon them.

What category do you fall in?

Mechanical ventilation is fun. Fun, in the sense that I see and do more things. I like critical adult care. I want to help a patient breathe. I am so grateful for the knowledge and opportunity that my teachers provide for me. Keeping that in mind helps me move forward every day. I do believe that a person can decide their own fate if they know what they want.

Every day I move closer to being ok with myself. I know what I enjoy, and day by day I will figure out what's best for myself. That doesn't involve my ex, even though sometimes I think it does.

Some women are born compliant, others achieve compliance, and some compliance thrust upon them.

Depends upon the decade you were born in.

noodle

I like noodling around the hospital. Yes, I made up the verb, noodle (not to be confused with the southern tradition of sicking your hand in a bank of a lake looking for catfish). It once was a noun in my book, but I've converted it. To noodle: to wander aimlessly, like a noodle would on a plate. Doubt that makes much sense to you kids, but oh well. I find noodling around the hospital to be interesting in two ways, 1. I learn the layout of the extra large hospital, and 2. I meet new people, and it always is fun to get lost. I guess that's three ways, but oh well. I enjoy running errands for my CI, because if I take a little extra time I can always blame it on getting lost.

I was at the hospital today, and I'm starting to really enjoy being at the hospital more than school these days. Though, I do get to "sleep in" tomorrow when I go to school, so that's slightly exciting. I can't believe that I consider 6am to be sleeping in. Man that's lame.

I think my brain is about to shut off in about 3 minutes. Time to sign off now. Later gators.

I want this for my birthday

Things I want for my birthday:

- Ben Folds tickets
- To not be turning 25
- A really excellent book I've never heard of
- Confidence in myself
- A job when I graduate

and...

------>

K thanks :)





Today was good. I thought it was going to be slow, but I got plenty of sleep last night and kept myself busy and entertained all day at clinical. Sarah and I basically roamed around the entire hospital and popped into some of the icu's for a ventilator audit. We also had some CF'ers, which was a good review of pulmonary hygiene.

After spending a few minutes in the neuro icu I realized that there are a lot of doctors that hang out there. I admit, I am somewhat scared of talking to doctors. I haven't spent enough time actually talking to any of them to dismiss any preconceived notions I've built up in my little head. I suppose that will most likely have to change soon. They are still human, right?

I really have no clue who is who in a hospital unless I look at the badge. Sad that you have to stare at some piece of plastic to figure out what sort of qualification a person has. Just my random thought.

Well. It's "late" and I have a long day ahead tomorrow. Good night and I hope that everyone has a stellar day tomorrow. I am going to be playing with some vents. I am actually looking forward to it :)

Some stuff

This is me looking out over Angel's Landing at Zion National park. It was absolutely beautiful. I really enjoyed my whole trip, and will be going back out west soon enough. Perhaps this spring for some Skiing in Colorado or Utah.

Trips aside, I'm now back into the grind of things. I have been back in class for about a week, and so far we've gone over five ventilators (MA-1, Emmerson, Bird 7, 900C (the devil), Bear 3), and things are starting to get sorted out in my head. I think I might be a bit ahead of some of my classmates, but that's only because I've been staying after class and working w/ the vents on my free time. I'm also taking hemodynamics, but it's mostly an independent study class.

Tomorrow I'll be back in the hospital for my second rotation at the same hospital I was at last quarter. This particular hospital has not one ICU... but like, ten million of them. It will be my first time that I'll be taking patients on ventilators. As well as actually having to talk to the doctors... hmmm. I guess we will see how that goes. It scares me because I know I'll need to know my shit before even opening my mouth. At least with the attendings and the fellows anyway. I've been warned to not listen to the residents, and always double check their orders. Makes sense.

The personal life seems to be getting more confusing. I keep trying to date guys, and I'm not able to let any of them close to me. Granted, none of them are really right for me. I suppose that has something to do with it, as well as the fact that I don't think I'm quite over the ex. It's not that I'm still in love with him, because I'm not. I think I'm just really afraid of letting someone that close to me, and getting hurt like I did. The day he broke up with me I felt like someone tied my feet up, kicked me in the stomach several times, dragged me behind a truck for several hours, and then left me in a heap in some damp, dark basement. So, yeah. That's why I can't get close to anyone.

I do feel like an ass for attempting to date these guys, knowing full and well that I just need more time. My match account runs out in a week or two, and I will not renew the membership. I think I need to spend a few more months by myself getting things sorted out on my own, and then we will see how I feel about it all. I don't think I'll completely rule out online dating, but I'm not going to go back to it for some time. And no more attempting to date guys long distance, that's a terrible idea.

Anyway. I'm going to go make some more coffee, study a bit, and finish cleaning out the apartment. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and I just need to keep believing that, and working towards being stable on my own.

marriage: revised

So, a while ago I posted several ranting blogs on how I wanted to get married, et cetera et cetera. Lame. Very very lame of me. I have this stupid, fifth grade idealization of the whole thing and it's just something that was brainwashed into me at a young age.

You graduate high school, then you go to college, get a job, get married, set up a house, and then have babies. That's the expected route. It's the normal route. What people fail to mention to the 10 year old girl watching The Little Mermaid is that marriage sucks, for the most part. Like, 10-20% of marriages are actually happy and are sustained forever.

So why do I keep holding up every single guy to the standard of "the one"? Everyone is doomed unless they meet every single check off on my list.

I really do believe that the loneliness is the hardest part. That's why I'm dealing with dating guys that are mediocre, at their very best. I go through a period of pure bliss and elation when first starting to date a guy and then slowly I start to realize I could never be with that person for long term because A, B, and C. Then what to do?

Fuck et al. Baha. At least I have a really good sense of humor. The important thing I've come to realize is that a woman should never expect a man to stand up and take care of her. That's a spectacular lesson to have learned.

Another quarter...

Hi there kids


Long time no see. There are SOOOOO many of you guys reading my blog, right?

Ok, so it's finally the end of the first quarter of my senior year. Geeeet excited! Yeah, that was all supposed to be sarcastic. All of it. Sucks that sarcasm doesn't translate well into text. It's a lost art.

It's my last day of classes tomorrow, and then I'm off to spend 2 weeks out west with my dad. I'm really looking forward to seeing the most beautiful sights and just relaxing for a while. I'm missing two days of school for it, so it better be fantastic. I'm going to go on my own little adventures and see what I can see.

Next stop, mechanical ventilation. Wooohoooo....


Side note: there are people out there that actually like me, for me. It's insanity!!! Finally met one guy from Charleston, and I'm really looking forward to spending more time with him. He's great. What I've always wanted in a guy, really. He seems to reaaaally be into me too. The chemistry between us is ridiculous. So I might not end up at MCG in Augusta after all... MUSC sounds way more fun :) Depends... toooootally depends.

That one

Once a month I sit and do absolutely nothing. Sometimes I read, sometimes I watch movies, and sometimes I listen to music and engage in somewhat illicit affairs. Sometimes I think too much.

Anyway. I took a break from my normally super busy weekends to just relax and catch up on that sleep.

Sometimes I don't even know who I really am. I feel like I am whatever someone wants me to be. I'm the girl. I'm the girl that goes to school. I'm the girl that can look pretty. I am the girl that is a student. I am the girl that doesn't know if marriage is right. I'm the girl that wants marriage to be right. I'm the girl that's lost on hospital floors. I'm the girl that doesn't know where things go from here. I have to find that little girl in there somewhere. I think she's still hanging around. I've had to suppress her for far too long.



I am now going to do what I want. Just have to figure out what that is....


That girl

Another first

First day at clinical. Whew. Huge. Oh my freaking gawd.

I can't even begin to describe the experience, but suffice to say it was a lot. I have a very particular preceptor that likes to grill students on the first day. Good thing I know my shit. It's just overwhelming with all the people there. I did meet a few friendly faces that I'll remember in times of confusion or stress. I just look forward to learning as much as I possibly can in the time I spend in clinical. This rotation is going to be more of observation and drilling the concepts/drugs into my itzy bitzy little brain, and then the next rotation I go to will hopefully be at a much smaller hospital where I can get my hands in on some intubations (and not have to fight the residents tooth and nail to be at the head of the bed). I'll write more when there's more to write :)

I'm kind of going a bit crazy with all the boys that are trying to date me right now. I did the match thing for a few months... and it was just too crazy. I've been trying to date multiple guys right now, and it's soooo not working with the schedule I'm trying to keep. I'm slowly weeding out the guys that are just not working out. Right now there is not any guy that I could see myself dating long term, but that could change in the future. I'm open to all possibilities, and I'm sure I'll meet some people in the hospital too. Weee shall see... there are a whole lot of reaaaally cute residents.

Ooh kay. It's 6:30 p.m. and I'm exhausted. I will be turning in pretty soon.

Later gators

Coffee buzz...

I can't sit still, nor think for that matter. It's Friday and I'm pretty excited about my plans this weekend. I should be downstairs going over O2 therapy or pt assessment, but I just don't have the motivation to do much today. I am going to see how little I can do in one day. I've gotten off to a pretty good start, and now I just need to kill five more hrs. I can dooooo it. Perhaps I can get Dr. Grumpy pants off on a tangent about which is better: bachelors or associates rrt. I find it fascinating that he can talk for hours about it.

I really do suggest everyone that has just gotten out of a relationship (esp. girls) to go on match.com. It's like the biggest ego booster. Gasp* there are people out there that think I'm the shit?! Nooo waaaay...

Well. Anyway, so I've been seeing this guy for about two weeks. I really like him and have a good bit in common. The only slight problem is that he just came out of a relationship and is jaded in the love department. I think he's still considering dating other people, but that's just not how I operate. Once I find someone I like spending time with, I don't really bother with other people. Since he and I are in the same boat, I thought it might be good for us, but we will see. I don't want to force him into anything that he doesn't want, and I most certianly don't want to get hurt again so soon. I think that's what I'm scared most of.

Anyway. I have 4 and 1/2 more hours to go. I think today will be good as long as I can continue to hide away :)

inadequate

I feel relieved. I feel like someone gave me the biggest high five, and told me how awesome I am. I am no longer bound down by the notion that I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I don't have to learn French if I don't want to. I am beautiful, funny, smart and a damn fine catch. Any guy should be scrambling just to be around in my presence. I am....the brightest crayon in the box...

K. So that was a little over the top- but today I just feel really great about myself. I've lost about 10lbs, no longer eat fluffy animals, am at the top of my class, and have a really great guy that likes me. Hurrah :)

Break time..

Yawn.

I am pretty dern tired. I was up late last night from my daaaate and now I'm exhausted trying to study for my first test tomorrow for Dr. Grumpy Pants. I'm usually the last one to leave school because I'm basically the only person that doesn't have a life. Nice, huh?

I finally got my clinical site nailed down. Dr. GP wanted me to move locations to another prestigeous hospital where the preceptor is known for grilling the students more than a well done steak. Apparently, it means a great deal to be placed there (ie: you are smart enough, and have a good attitude). I feel good about him asking me to go there, and me and Sarah get to do it together :)

I have a 1200$ plane ticket refund from the France/Spain trip that I have to use by next Febuary. I have two breaks that I could use it by (one in September and one in December). It's basically a round trip cross-continent type of deal... so I'm going to have to ponder on that a bit before I make up my mind on where I will go. I wish I could split it up and take some friends with me, but it's only in my name. Decisions decisions...

Well. My break time is just about up. I get to review more on pt assessment because it's making up a big part of the test tomorrow. Yep. I'm officially a nerd.

Oh happy day

So.

Things are going well on two fronts.

1. School. I'm kicking ass and taking it day by day. I really feel like I'm learning a whole lot in the lab, and really utilizing dr. grumpy pants for information. I still have a very long road a head of me, but I'm trying to take everything in and really "connect the dots."

2. New boy. Wow. I have not been able to focus on school work when I think of him. I'm going to see him tomorrow, again :) Probably going to hit up Whole Foods and make a pesto together. Sigh, new crushes can be so much fun.

Oh. I've lost about 10 lbs too. It's not just from the mourning period where I wasn't eating, but rather from exercising, and quitting meat all together. I feel 100% healthier and my body is ROCKIN. I'm now down to 120. I don't want to lose anymore weight, but rather gain some muscle tone in my stomach. I can think of some good ways to accomplish that....

:)

Goooood night world.

Bright spot

There's a bright spot on the horizon. I see it, I feel it, and I want to be near it. The warmth that is radiating is amazing. I know I said I was no longer going to speak of personal things on this blog- well I've decided against that. I have too much to say, and there's only so much I can write in my personal journal.

I closed the ex's book last week. I don't need to talk/see him for closure. I read the book cover to cover, analyzed it, and then made a very concrete decision that the book just wasn't that great. Some parts were, but the over all story arc lacked cohesiveness and a fairy tale ending (and lets face it, everyone wants a fairy tale ending). It was too hyped up, and just had no substance. I'm glad I don't have to read it again if I don't want to.

Sooo. Went on a date this weekend in Atlanta. I won't go into the details, but there were sparks. Serious, serious sparks. Perhaps even the potential of fireworks in the future. Weee shall see. I'm going to see him again on Wednesday. It's amazing that just meeting someone else that you're interested in can make you realize how much you were missing out on. I missed out on a lot by not meeting this guy sooner...

Anyway. Respiratory. Fun stuff indeed. Clinical starts in less than a month, and I'm excited. I hope to move back towards the city after I finish a rotation in a hospital close to my 'rents house. So, around March of next year.

Here are just a few things that he gets points in my book for: He's smart, funny (and understands my humor too), good lookin, loves animals, vegetarian (which I have been for the last month), loves the same outdoor activities as I do, has good friends, again LOVES animals, and seems to be in the right state of mind for a relationship. We shall see indeed....

Ah. well, the benadryl and wine is hitting me. I'm about to be out like a light. I'll post soon, esp if things are developing as I hope...

Adieu--

Busy bee

Stayed at school from 8a.m. to 8:30p.m. I guess I should just get used to it, because with the amount of info I have to learn right now I should just move into the lab. It will be ok, because I have no life anyway.

I like Dr. Grumpy Pants. He's slowly growing on me, and I'm sure that after a while he's gonna like me too. I just want to show him that I really am very serious about this program, and that I'm going to do whatever it takes to be successful in this field.

STILL trying to learn all the drugs. This process seems like it will take FOREVERS.

Ok, it's really my bed time. Later gators.

First day back

Brutal this morning. Absolutely brutal. I hate adjusting my sleep schedule like that. Argh. I had to get up at about 6am due to the change of residence and also change in when class starts (8am). Dr Grumpy pants was out on the prowl trying to scare the living shit out of us too. Good times. I think I might of passed the preclinical pharmacology test... but who knows. I know I got at least one of the ten questions right. Possibly even a few more... I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

I did get some bitter sweet news today. I got placed at Emory midtown hospital, which was my number one choice site for clinicals. So that's the sweet part, but the bitter part is that it is in Midtown where I used to live, and also about 1hr away from where i live now. So I'll be waking up at 5am on my clinical days this whole summer and fall. Absolutely the most bitter sweet news I've gotten in a long time. I am so proud of myself for getting the placement at Emory, but so upset in how the circumstances won't allow me to fully enjoy it. I am going to go there and bust my ass with a smile on my face. I will do everything, absolutely EVERYTHING that is required of me plus more. I really want to leave a good impression at all my clinical sites. I can always try and get a clinical site that's more proximal to my parents house later.

Well. Since I have such an enthralling and active social life now... I'm going to go watch the bachelorette and throw shit at the tv. Good luck, and goodnight.

mon vie

Just a few things of note:

1. No longer going to talk about my reeeally personal life on the blog now. I get to go to clinicals in a few weeks so there should be toooons of writing material from that. I acquired a journal to write out all the frusterations/insecurities/boiling emotions and give me some sort of piece of mind.

2. I am getting a kitten in a few months :) Very excited about that.

3. Got back in the gym today and killed it. I took it DOWN. Plus I've lost like 5-10 lbs, and I want to hit my target weight of 115-120. I am going to be hawt in a few weeks :)

4. Still not quite where I want to be with studying for my pharmacology exam on the first day of class next week. It's going to be evil, I'm sure.

5. I like turtles


That's all I got today kids. Laaaater

moving sucks

Last night I moved out of the apt I shared with boy. He was gone on a trip that I was supposed to accompany him on. When I got into the apartment there were several boxes with all of my things in them. Wow. I felt sick the second that I saw it. I read the note that he left, I got sick again and then proceeded to have a panic attack. I had a friend that was there with me, and after about an hour of hyperventilating and feeling like death, I calmed down with the help of xanax.

I just kept thinking back to all the amazing times we had together, and how he was just no longer interested in having those in the future. It hurts more than I can describe in words. He's so distant, and so cold to me right now. He is certainly not acting like the man I thought he was. I suppose sometime next week we are supposed to talk about things face to face, but I know I'll just be a mess all over again. I have people telling me not to do it, and to be strong and just avoid him from now on, but I just can't get past all of this without having closure to this relationship.

So many promises broken. So many plans left to rot away in the back of my mind. Start over, is no way to begin. The constants aren’t so constant anymore. I still love him and desire us to get back together. I wish it was a possibility, but he just left no room for hope in his phone call, or the letter he left me.

I need to focus on school, life, friends, family, and happiness this year. I'm moving into my parents basement apartment this week so that I'll maintain some sort of privacy. I need to push the 'rents a little faster to get the place furnished because i have no furniture nor bed right now. I hope I can complete it before we start back to class on the 28th. I also get to spend an inordinate time studying pharm drugs for these 9 days. Woo freaking hoo. I just need to throw myself into studying for school, and doing well in my classes. Distractions, it's all about distractions.

I'm still completely amazed that the boy would throw away almost three years of a relationship over petty fighting that could have been resolved in counseling. I don't know if it was just a rash decision, or if he's been completely miserable forever and has wanted it for a while. I guess I'll find out next week when we talk. I need to stop talking about my (ex) relationship on this blog. It's pretty fucking lame.

the 5 stages

Sorry kids. This has absolutely nothing to do with respiratory today. I'm on break, and don't have a damn thing to discuss about it.

This, today, is about grief. It is about losing the person that you trust the most, that you love the most, and the person that is your best friend, that also broke up with you over the phone. It is truly about coming to the conclusion that no matter HOW much I love him, and HOW much I want to be with him, I don't have him anymore.

I've cried so much that the tears are now dry ones. I've hurt so much in the last four days that even the distractions won't keep me from thinking about it. My life is about to drastically change, and I hope that I'm a strong enough person to deal with it.

I put on the most magnificent show this past weekend. I was on a stage, and I perfected the art of looking as everything was peachy keen. I could have fooled even the best of the best.

You know, I kind of realize who my true friends are right now. The ones that don't have history with him. The friends that are here to support me in my absolute time of need. Those people deserve a freaking trophy for helping me deal with what I've been through.

Things will improve. At some point. For now, I'm grieving.

the end

It's ok, it truly is. It hurts, but it's over. I just didn't have the balls to do it.

Double A's

Well. Good news all around. I got A's in both classes, and am very pleased with the results. I really couldn't have asked for anything better. I am now enjoying a lovely orange margarita and watching the lightening strike outside of my parents house. I feel great about the direction I'm going in, and I know that there's always going to be opportunities to learn and expand upon my degree I'm working on.

I'm twenty four going on twenty five. A baby in most people's books. But when I was younger I wasn't always driven. I lacked any idea of what I wanted to do after high school graduation. I now know that I really do belong in medicine. I want to help, in any way I can, and if it means doing 10,000 miscellaneous albuterol treatments just have that 1 where it really does make a difference, then I'll do it. I think it's making me a better person day by day.

My personal life has been in the shit can recently. I thought it was getting better, but I was wrong. I'm going to be in my friends wedding this weekend, and if he doesn't show up as my date then I'll truly know how he feels. I just don't want things to be dramatic, especially because this is my friend's weekend, and she totally deserves all the attention on her. It just sucks, because I wanted to be able to celebrate with boyfriend after my final today and I didn't even get a good luck text from him. I knew going into this year my relationship would be under stress, but I didn't realize I'd feel so alone. Maybe it's just something I should get used to. We still haven't gone to counseling. Maybe it really will help us, I really hope it does.

Anyway. I'm pmsing and feeling like crying after writing that paragraph. Might as well pass out early tonight. So much for celebrating the end of the quarter. Sigh.

lonely

Sometimes I just feel lonely. Whether it's getting in a fight with boyfriend, women issues, or just seeing a close friend find someone else to confide in. I also kind of feel nostalgic about kayaking. I don't get to do it often, and I miss it.

Pharm final today was sooo much fun. 179 questions of awesomeness. The last portion of the test I wanted to blow my brains out. It was just a little too much. I would have much preferred to have a blank sheet of paper and start writing every single bit of info I know about a drug, but from what I hear around the grapevine that will probably be happening next quarter anyway.

This next year is just generally going to suck. Between studying for class, going to clinical and being a model student, and trying to keep my home life stable I will just be stressed most of the time. I've already been on edge for the last 3 months. Woohoo, more to come.

I'm not sure anyone even reads my blog, really. It's lonely out there in cyber space for this little girl. Will you be my friend?

Round 1 will be done in 72hrs

Sooo, I'm taking a small break from studying, and thought I'd update peoples on my progress. I looked back on all my Pharmacology grades, and the good news there is that I'll def get an A in the class. I'd have to massively bomb the final to get a B. There's some even more good news in A&P, because I made a 96.7 on the last test, I will probably get an A in the class as long as I get above a 90 on the test. I think it's possible, as long as I don't procrastinate on the studying and do a good comprehensive review. Woohoo.

yawn x 30,457,370,347,447

Um. I'm over this quarter. I've been over it for the last three weeks. I'm kind of looking forward to my break, and to go to San Fran for a few days. But alas, I even have to study while I'm on break, because the first day I come back Dr. Jolly will slap us with a big fat pharmacology test. Not just any kind of pharmacology test, but a really really gnarly one. Sigh. Just more shit to think about.

Student loans are giving me a fucking headache. I really am very very very tired of dealing with the financial aid office. I'm almost resigned to throwing a Molotov cocktail in there and letting the whole institution burn down, that way I no longer have to deal with them. I'm getting fairly close to just asking my parents for a loan which would mean I'd no longer have to deal with the fucking idiots that inhabit the business office. Alright. Enough about that terrible terrible mess.

I don't want to study today. All I really want to do is plop myself on the couch and watch awesome movies all day. That would be a nice day, but no, I'm going to pack up my notes, and walk my ass down to the club room to study. Waaaahooooo. Later kids

home on the range

K. Everything's alright on the home front. I filled the mental break down quota for a few months. I also took this weekend off of studying, and just relaxed and made some time for myself. I took today off of school, and hopefully the time away from the books will have given me the little bounce back that I'll need at the end of this quarter. So, I just need to convert from relaxation mode to study mode now. Coffee is somewhat helping to fix that gap... just need some will power added into the mix :)

I think I'm going to see a therapist starting this week to help with some stuff. I've been to one before, but only for short periods of time. I'm going to go with boyfriend to help resolve issues, and I'm thinking that it should really help. Most important thing is that we can communicate better with each other. I definitely think that will help with our relationship. I have to work on my self esteem issues too. Fun stuff indeed.


Ok, so now a completely different tangent I need to discuss. Lost finale last night. Sigh. It's really over? That's all I said last night, "oh my gah I can't believe this is the last episode, EVAH". And then everyone told me to shut it. I have to write my rambling thoughts somewhere, so why not here and now? (just go ahead and skip this paragraph if you don't want to know the spoilers or don't care about Lost as much as I do)
1. I really did like the final episode. Some things could have been stronger, but over all, I liked the direction that it took. I'm a sap, and really wanted Jack and Kate to be together forever, and well lookey lookey, they sure did :)
2. I called Jack getting offed and Hurley taking his place. That was cool, Hurley is def a great replacement for Jacob, and it toats makes sense that Ben is the new number two.
3. Kate + Jack on the cliff = omfg I've been waiting for this moment for sooo long!! Yes I love you too Jack!!
4. Sideways time like was TOO good to be true, so it only makes sense that it was imagined. Even if it was imagined, it was still a nice way to put them all together in the end of the show, and the end of their lives.

I think most girls will agree that they liked this finale. No one is ever going to be 100% satisfied with the way that it went down, and here are just two of my major gripes:

1. Major things didn't really get explained, such as the fertility thing, and why Walt was so special. I guess the whole fertility thing was a problem bc the "light of life" was on the island and anyone born from conception on the island was interfering with the light? Who knows.
2. I wasn't screaming and jumping up and down when the mib died. We never found out his name either.

Oh well. All my freaking shows are on summer hiatus now, and I've got to watch The Bachelorette to kill time until fall! I think i will buy the Lost dvd set once it comes out, because at some point I will catch the flu and want to hole up with a good series :)

I guess I'm going to get back into the study mode. The quarter's end is in sight! I'm going to take a mini vacation to San Fran with some friends during my break, and I'm pretty excited about that. Then there's the France/Spain/Amsterdam trip in September. Looks like this year is going to be a good travel year. Adieu kids

life sucks sometimes

Life just sucks sometimes. It's just the way it is. I'll go through periods where I'm having wonderfully awesome months, and then times where I just want to press the restart button. I have a tendency to quit things once they get hard, and I'm slowly learning that it's not such a great way to go through life. Everyone needs hard periods in their lives to make them stronger.

That being said, the next two weeks are going to suck it, hard. Finals are in about two weeks, withstanding that the professor finishes a bit early (like he said would prob happen). I have a test tomorrow, and then the rest of the info we learn will be present on the finals. It's looking like I'll get a B in cardiopulm a&p, and an A in Pharmacology. I'm kind of sad about that B, but at least I've proven to myself that I'm a good student.

Things are undoubtedly going to get harder and harder. I need to know that I have support at home. It's hard to study and stay on track when there are emotional issues in my life. I'll make it through. I just have to keep my attitude positive, and try and make it a fun experience.

I'm gonna go watch me some Glee, and Lost now. :)

Pt. 2

So, I didn't do quite as much studying as I hoped to do, but I'll deal with the repercussions in the morning when I'm staring into the deep darkness that is the multiple multiple choice question. Let's see if I can name out all the shitty shit that's on this test: ABG interpretations, Co2 transport, O2 transport, Innervation of ventilation, ALL shunts you can possible think of, types of hypoxemia, Alveolar air equations, Ca02 equation etc, Shunt equation, annnnnd he will probably throw in some stuff on 02 sat curve shifts. Blah. I guess that means I'll be waking up early to go over more notes tomorrow.

This post really isn't about the test though. I can't sleep because I've got shit on my mind. It's annoying shit that I've been over time and time again with boyfriend. It boils down to that we've been together for three years and I don't think he's ready to get married, or move in that direction. We can talk all day about what it will be like when we're married, and all that jazz, but the simple fact of the matter is that he knows it's important to me, and yet, it hasn't happened.

I hear it all the time from family and friends, "So, when's it gonna be..." and I'm tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me for not being engaged right now. I'm only 24, I keep telling myself. But it's tiring, and I feel like there's a part of me that feels like I'm not special enough to be his wife. Everything's hunky dory when we play house, but I don't want to be the one that keeps bringing up getting engaged.

I wish I could blame it on one thing, but it's really more of a clusterfuck of issues that girls deal with on a daily basis. Watching The Little Mermaid over and over and over again also doesn't help five year old little girls build up a realistic image of marriage either.

I just took the longest sigh in the world. I can be such a petty child sometimes. I go through days where all I can think of is being able to call myself Mrs. Wife, and then there are times when I talk to my cousin and she puts me back into a realistic perspective. I hear her voice, and then think about how most marriages fail, and how people change. I'm trying to keep her voice steady in my head when I feel like this. It's hard though. Hard, especially for me, because I do have a low self esteem most of the time, and don't feel like I'm worth very much. It just doesn't help much with the whole situation, it makes me feel like I'm unwanted, which I know isn't true, but it's still looming. Yeah. Great things to think about as you go to bed. I'll probably dream of a gigantic toilet that I get flushed down, oh wait, that was last night's dream.

Well. Bed time.

Bunday is for bunburying

If you can catch the two different references in the title of the post I will be your best friend forever. Seriously.

Anyway. It's Sunday is Atlanta, and I'm trying to keep studying for another CP anatomy and physiology test. I'm really going to try and do my best, but if it turns out to be in the form of a B instead of an A, then I won't resort to crying in a corner somewhere, I promise. I really just strive to understand the information that he's teaching us instead of worrying about how he's going to ask the questions. I loathe his multiple choice questions, because they are multiple multiple choices, and I think he could rephrase some of the questions better... Yeah, so there, I'm done with my bitching about his tests. I don't like them, period. At least I have one more AP test, and then the gigantic final that will most likely destroy all self-confidence in myself.

Pharma really isn't that bad. It's just a lot of memorization and keeping things organized in my brain. I have another test on Thursday. Woo freakin hoo.

A semi-friend of mine contacted me on fay boo the other day. She was in my first anatomy and physiology class, and didn't make it through (I think she failed the first time around). Anyway, whether she dropped it or failed it, I have no idea. Granted, she went through a divorce during the class, so I figured she'd recover and be in the program with all of us. From what I could tell she struggled a lot with the other classes, and didn't make it to the program deadline. Ok, so back to the point of the story, she said that she got accepted to GSU's rt program and was asking me about the campus and stuff. I was kind of speechless for a minute, because I figured that the program at gsu was more choosy with the applicants. Who knows, but anyway, she said that she was excited bc she will see us at clinical and stuff. Though, I'm not sure how that's gonna work because she will be graduating a year after us. Perhaps she will start clinicals as we are coming out, Idk. I'll prob end up finishing a bachelors degree at gsu, so maybe I'll see her there.


I'm getting a bit annoyed with my AP book on the P(A-a) gradient. They are giving me examples but the numbers don't match up. I'll ask my professor. So, here's just a few tidbits of wonderful RT knowledge thrown your way: Normal A-a gradient at room air is 7-14mmhg, at 100% o2 it's 50-60mmhg. If the A-a gradient is increase, then shunting is increased :)

Ok, I got my 15 minute break in. I'll update later on the test scores and how my sanity is holding up. Laaaater

Btw, the two references were 1. Bunday= Sunday on cuteoverload.com where they have pictures and videos of cute bunnies. I heart bunnies. 2. Bunburying is a reference to The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde. I love Oscar Wilde. Yep. OK, back to work

fyi

I'm having a full on panic attack about tomorrow test. Damn it

a bit of this, a bit of that

It's officially half way through the first quarter, and I'm wondering why people like quarters better than semesters. I went from allll semesters schools (High school + GSU) to alll quarter school (presently enrolled). Yes, quarters are shorter than semesters, but you have WAY less time to learn the same amount of information. I guess in some ways it just makes me study hard and fast, so I suppose it's not necessarily a bad thing, annoying for sure though.

With the dawn of mid-quarter came much discussion on clinicals. My hope is to get Emory Midtown, Dekalb Medical, and Northside Forsyth (but for some reason my school is telling me that they are in the process of reaffiliation w/ them, so it's looking like I probably won't get it). Anywho. I thought I wanted to try peds, but apparently there is a lot of ppl in my class that want those hospitals for clinical, so I'm just probably going to back off of it. The most important thing is that I get clinical in Emory Midtown because 1. It's a teaching hospital (Emory University) 2. It's less than 8 blocks from where I live. 3. Getting placed at Emory Midtown means that you either are smart, or bribed the professor with food.

Sooo, the clinical director came into our class yesterday to gather our home addresses so he could start thinking about where to place us. We haven't had him as a professor yet, it's just been Shawty (Program director) teaching us. The clinical director is a hard ass, and doesn't deal with stupid people very well (as far as I can tell). My only run in with him was when I came to speak to someone at our school when I first got interested in RT. He was weird, very very weird, but after setting aside his aversion to social norms, I realized that this guy is very smart and can teach us a lot. I think I'm going to call him Jolly, because he's anything but that.

Back to the story, Jolly came into our "newbie" class to scare the bejesus out of all of us. He said that on day 1 of the next quarter he will give us a test for pharmacology drugs that is 10 questions, and that no one can get into clinicals without passing it. Apparently most people don't pass it on the first try. At least he gives you two chances to pass it. I'm slightly worried, but as long as I keep reviewing the drugs over and over and over while we are on break, I shouldn't be too bad. Anyway, I'm kind of frightened of him, but not enough for him to use it to his advantage.

OOOK, well enough of rambling. I'm going to get back to the Hb saturation curve. It's going to be SO much fun!!! Yayh for spending all day Friday studying!!!

crash

It's officially midway through the first quarter tomorrow, and I feel like I'm about to collapse. My once stellar sleep routine is now non-existent, and I come home every day feeling like I just put my brain through the mental olympics. Granted, if I had actually gotten enough sleep, I wouldn't be so mentally drained. I've taken to having naps in the afternoon, but the problem with that is when I wake up I'm not really motivated to do the work I need to do for school. I did just get a new sleep aid, so perhaps I'll be able to go to sleep early tonight.

I just ran into a sr RT student today in the hall, and they looked like they had been awake for 46 hrs. Apparently, my diagnosis was correct because the guy had just come back from 2 12 hr clinical days. I said to him, "so, this is going to be me next year at this time, huh" in a very sarcastic kind of way, and the poor guy just hung his head down, and said, "good luck". Sigh. At least all I have to worry about this quarter is learning pharmacology drugs.

Well, I've had my afternoon coffee, and it's now time to concentrate on some flash cards. I've been taking tests like crazy in Pharmacology, and so far haven't made below a 96 on those tests. However in A&P the last two test's I've gotten 90's. It seems like that's the threshold for me on those tests. I need to do STELLAR on the next one if I want to maintain an A in A&P.

K. later gators

just so you know...

Don't ever drink orange juice before drinking a cup of coffee. When you burp, and you will, it is the least pleasant taste that you will ever encounter.

new milestone

I popped my carpal tunnel cherry tonight, kids. I just wrote out about a million note cards for all the drugs on the pharmacology list. It was horrendous, but at least it's done. I have a feeling this isn't the last time I'll have a sore wrist. Oh get your mind out of the gutter.

yep

Just so everyone knows, I'm not normally a mean person. I like to think of myself as a very chipper (yes I do use this word to describe myself), energetic, sometimes airheaded, happy-go-lucky person. I give everyone a fair chance to be my friend, but there are occasionally people I just don't like for one reason or another. It's really ok, because in my neck of the woods people generally view me as the anti christ when I tell them I 1. Don't believe in god(s) 2. Am a democrat and 3. A very liberal democrat. I guess it's just a trade off; not everyone is going to like me, and I won't like some of the people I come into contact with. I have for the most part just ignored, or avoided people that I didn't like in the past, but now it's just harder to do. Esp when I'm around them so much now. I just have to figure out a way to deal with them that will not offend anyone. Sigh, again.


I got back my first test grade in Cardiopulmonary a&p, and I'm a bit disappointed in it. I think most of the class got b's, and a few people got c's and failed. I guess I shouldn't be whining for getting a 90. I just need to stay on top of studying for the next test because it's over 4 chapters.

I just got the drug list for pharmacology that we have to learn. It kind of makes me want to hurl myself off of a building. I'll be able to do it, but I just need to break it up in to itty bitty pieces and study it every single freaking day.

This past weekend was pretty amazing. A good friend of boyfriend's was in town, and he brought his new girlfriend that's in med school. The weekend was just booked up with fun festivals and running around downtown slightly intoxicated looking for an irish pub to continue drinking at. It really was a good weekend. I'm not too fond of med school student girlfriend anymore though, she kind of ruined my good opinion of her by causing a HUGE scene with her boyfriend while out on Saturday night. Completely uncalled for, and it showed how much of a stuck up ninny penny she is. I have definitely gotten pissed off at boyfriend while out with friends, but I never ever made a huge scene and ruined everyone's party vibe. Don't mess with my party vibe, and you can be my friend forever.

More coffee, more study. Later gators

taking a break

Been studying now for the better part of 5 hrs. Of course I've been taking mini breaks, but still. My mind is crammed full of information right now and it's only 3 weeks in. More good news though, I made a 100 on the last pharmacology test. It wasn't necessarily hard information to learn, just the differences bt nebulizers/mdi/dpi etc etc. So it was a lot of memorization. The study groups/notecards really help with that.

I'm still highly annoyed at Zebra, and Barbie. I just can't handle any of the words that come out of their mouths because it is either, 1. ridiculously stupid or 2. insanely boring small talk. Anyway. No one said I had to be particularly nice to anyone while in the program...

Atlanta has been kicking ass recently. Fortunately I do not suffer from insane pollen counts, so I've been noodling around in peidmont park and walking around midtown a lot. However, I am NOT ok with freaknik coming back into town this weekend. From the news reports I've been hearing that about 300k out of towners will be descending upon the city from friday to sunday. I might as well just plan on not driving. I think I'm running a 5k for Sweetwater 4.20 fest on Saturday, but I have no idea how I'll get to Candler Park, perhaps Marta?

Pool is finally open, and the club room has been a good place to study. I'm very lucky, so I just need to continue to study and do well on the tests.

procrastinating a bit

I'm really supposed to be studying. I had yesterday off, and I didn't study an ounce. I have two tests next week. Seriously.

Good news though, I made a 96 on my first test. I screwed up on two questions, which normally I wouldn't be upset about, but Cynthia and Sarah made a 100 so I fell left out of the club :( It's ok. I'll kick ass and take some names on this next test.

Boyfriend and I had a very lovely evening last night. We went to dinner at The Grape, and went to see Date Night. The movie was hilarious. Of course it was totally predictable, but I love Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, so it was nice to actually just laugh at silly stuff. I'm going to need nights like that in the coming months. And strong drinks. And a month long vacation in France and Spain.

I'm still not a fan of 50% of the people in my class. It's really hard to like people when they say such stupid things. I tried really hard to not talk badly of others this past week, but it's really pointless. Zebra is honestly the worst, there's no way in hell that guy is going to make it through the program.

week two

Almost done with week 2. I thought my brain might explode earlier this morning, but thankfully I got to take a nap this afternoon. It's bad when you dream about SVNs.

So you might be wondering how my classes are going? Well, the material isn't necessarily super hard, but try telling that to my brain at 8am. I'm sure it's going to get even more interesting as time goes by, but I'm learning to adapt and roll with it. I was thinking about it today, and I have absolutely no excuses for not doing well in these classes. I have no kids, and have no job to speak of. Going to school is my job now. I definitely think I'm starting to grow up, and gain some more responsibility.

I still don't know if I'm going to get my 1st choice for clinical site. I hope I do, but it's kind of up to my grades. I want really bad, so as long as I just work towards that goal I should be fine. Anyway.

I really want to tell all of you guys about how annoying some people in my class are, but, "if you can't say nothin nice, don't say nothin at all." I'm never going to be a saint, but I do need to improve on this front, and not let other people bring me into talking shit about people.

Ok, well it's back to working on the study guide. I'll update on how the first test goes tomorrow.

program update

Day 3 is complete. I know, it's pebbles, but whatever. It's the start. I'm already learning a whole bunch of new stuff. I'm just glad that I'm actually taking classes that are applicable to the field.

I've been sleeping like crap lately, but I think it's because I've been drinking coffee too late in the afternoon. I'm going to refrain from it today, and see if it was the problem. I also have a very hard time going to sleep, and that's only increased by the anxiety of knowing that I have to get up early in the morning. For the past two nights I have been in a lucid dream state where I was not fully asleep. I just kept tossing and turning. I hope the coffee thing fixes it.

I don't have too much to learn this week, mostly it's just review. Pharmacology will def be the class that will be the hardest, due to the math and me never studying it before. Our teacher, Dr. Shorty, is very interesting and I like listening to him. I respect that he's ridiculously smart. He kind of reminds me of a Lit teacher I had in high school, but I digress.

Well I'm off to get the skrats some food, and stop by home depot wif boyfriend. Later gators :)

the start

Well. Today was uneventful. I woke up at 6 a.m. for the first time, like, ever. I can't even remember the last time I got up while it was still dark out. I will need a solid week of waking up early to get used to it. But, I got jacked up on coffee and that worked fairly well.

I got to school around 7:45, which is 30 mins before my class actually starts. I met Sarah in the parking lot and we walked over to get more coffee and also take a bathroom break (due to excessive coffee intake. Diuretics, sheesh). The classroom was affectionately decorated for the newbies by the about-to-graduate-old-geezer-rt students, and they also kept popping their heads into the classroom to stare/ point and laugh.

Our prof greeted us with about ten thousand forms to fill out. That's all we did. Fill out forms, and go over the schedule/competencies for the classes. We have two instructors plus a few TA's, but we are only going to be taught by one of the professors this quarter because we are newbies. I guess I need to give my teacher a nick name for privacy protection. I'm going to go with a general first impression vibe, and call him Dr. Short, or Shawty for short :) He's pretty laid back, non-weird, intelligent, takes no bull, and has a good sense of humor. I like him already.

I have a long list of things to do/pay for in the coming months, so I'll need to be on my A game to remember them all. Sarah and I decided that our study group will be the same, but we might add another person just to balance it out (me, Cynthia, Sarah, and one more cool person yet to be determined). This quarter won't be too bad considering that we will only meet four days a week from 8:15- 12. I just can't take any more naps :(

I think a few people from the class are already going to start studying today, but I'm still lacking my Pharmacology book (grrrh amazon) so I probably won't start until tomorrow. I might finish reading the first two chapters in Cardiopulm, but that's only if I can wake up and actually concentrate on that. Anywho. I'm off to go find some more coffee.

It's time

Finally. Less than 24 hours until it all begins. I really have no idea what to expect tomorrow.

I set my alarm for 6 a.m., and am kind of weirded out by that. I seriously don't think I've been up that early since high school. This week will most likely be pretty brutal because I'll be adjusting to the new schedule. I took some benadryl to help me sleep so I won't be too tired tomorrow.

I have to take care of a few things tomorrow morning such as getting gas, going downstairs to get my Pharmacology book, and hopefully getting something to eat before I sit in class for 4 hours.

I think I'm going to go soak in a bath and read a bit before sleepy time. I'll write up a synopsis of my first day later :)

beyond tired

Hi Hi.

Day three of four day babysitting week is officially underway. It's kind of weird, because I usually have Thursdays off, and getting up this morning was veerry bery hard. I took a shower which did wake me up some, but this morning I have been constantly yawning and two cups of coffee hasn't fixed the problem. Maybe I'm just behind on sleep, and this morning it's catching up to me.

So I kind of figured out my morning schedule for next week. I have to be at school at 8:15 a.m. It takes about ~35 minutes to drive to school (not taking into account traffic), and another 5 mins or so to park and walk in etc. Ideally, I'd leave an hour before school starts, but I could make it work if I left 45 mins before class starts. So. Here's the deal: I HAVE to be awake by 7 a.m. at the very latest. I have to leave the apartment at 7:30 at the very latest. But, if I need time in the morning to shower & eat breakfast then I will have to be up at 6:30 a.m. ArGh. I think as long as I am in bed around 10 p.m. every night I shouldn't be too tired the next day. I guess I'll just have to experiment with the times and see what happens.

I've decided to go to a psychiatrist soon. I'm not depressed, or suicidal, but I would like to be tested for ADD. I have a severe concentration problem, and am completely disorganized. I've taken some online tests and each one came back saying that there was a very high chance that I have ADD. I've always known that I had a problem as a young adult, but I've functioned fairly well with it for the last few years. However, starting next week this program needs my undivided attention, and if I fall slightly behind because of daydreaming, procrastination, or forgetfulness, I'll be in trouble.

Some people argue that ADD is a serious illness, and it needs to be treated with medicine asap. Some people argue that ADD isn't an illness, and is instead just the person's temperament. I don't think I have any sort of mental illness, so I do somewhat side with the temperament theory. I know being an ENFP puts your head out in to the clouds most days. However, I do think medicine will be beneficial to me, and I'm going to try and see if it works for me personally. We shall see, I'll update on it later.

Anywho. It's time for another installation of : What's on TV (as I'm now calling it)

American Idol: I don't need to do a recap, because that would be boring. Instead, I'll just tell you what I think of all the contestants. Christal Bowersox: She will win, and she's amazing. Even if she is subtly cocky. Big Mike: He will make it to the top five, and I want to give him a big hug. Casey: He needs to be in front of a band, simple as that. Katie: Really sweet girl, but doesn't have "it". Didi: Is only this far along because she's pretty and has a good personality. Sioban: Def will be in top three, and could upset Christal for #1 spot. Tim: is another Sanjaya. Please send this guy home next. The little country boy: He needs to fully commit to country, and no, he will not make it much longer. Alex: He was awesome, and now he sucks. Period. My predictions for the top three are: Big Mike, Sioban, and Christal.

LOST. Oh man. Tuesday's Richard Alpert episode was quite a doozy. I can't believe there were so many freaking answers to the questions I've been pondering for quite some time. However I did have one major beef with the show right now. Richard's episode described the island as being the cork that held hell (or evil, or malevolence) captive in a bottle. Richard think's it's just simply purgatory, but I'm not in agreement with that. I think the whole religion theme was lame, mostly because sci-fi dramas (which Lost is, btw) don't drink the christianity coolaid most of the time. I was hoping that the island was a portal, or some sort of alternate reality that existed somewhere else in space (wormhole etc). Alas, I'll still watch it, and I'll still try and figure it out.

Yawn. Ok, so the dinosaur is now awake, so I'm gonna go rouse her. Too bad it's not nice outside today. I would have loved to kill some time at the park today. Ok. Time to go change a poopy diaper m'friends. :)

Last week

This week is my last with the little dinosaur. She was reaaaally cute when I came in this morning. I wonder if she will still like me even after I stop babysitting her. I hope so...

Anyway. I didn't write much yesterday, just that little blurb on health care reform. I know I did piss some people off on facebook, but seriously I take this stance: I win, you lose. The republicans had eight years to fuck things up, and they did. I think a healthy nation is way more important than cowboy crusades into Muslim countries that now hate us even more for invading. I guess I'm just a liberal peace keeper.

This past weekend was a bit strange. I spent half of it at my parents house in EBF (east bumble fuck if you're wondering) taking care of my crippled mother and helping best friend plan her wedding. Then I came back to ATL on Saturday early evening to go to dinner with Boyfriend. The rest of the weekend was pretty mundane. I'm frantically trying to see/spend time with my friends and family before I get swamped.

This week is going to be a bit hectic. I still need to find out where my Pharmacology book is, get new school supplies, babysit four days this week, learn how not to geek out on two cups of coffee, learn how to wake up before dawn, manage my calendar for the month, go to Athens to see a friend that will be in town, and drink very heavily this weekend. Whew.

I kind of broke down on Sunday over the whole engagement thing with Boyfriend. Up until that point he didn't really know how much I wanted it, other than deflecting a few hints on rings etc. I basically told him how I felt, and that I was angry at myself for wanting such a petty thing. He responded a bit differently by placing the blame on himself and saying he was bad boyfriend. He just basically said that he wanted to take his time, and that he didn't care what other people thought. I guess I do care what people think. It's been a very long, and complicated road to get to where I am right now. I had a tough time within the kayaking community that I belonged to because the gossip train was long, and vast. Anyway, I always cared what people thought of me, and I suppose I do to some extent still.

I'm really going to work on liking myself, regardless of other people's opinions. I also need to forget about being engaged for a good year. I get distracted very easily, so hopefully after my friends wedding is over, I can let the whole marriage notion go for a while. Sigh. I hate waiting, and secrets.

Good news, FIVE MORE DAYS. I'm really excited, and scared. I hung out with Sarah last week to grab some lunch and sell some books back to the school, and she seemed pretty unsure what this program is really going to be like. I have a pretty good idea of what the first quarter will be like, but after that I really have no clue. I can only imagine it's going to get more and more complicated as time goes on.

I was chatting with Boyfriend's mother on Sunday at lunch about future school plans, and she seemed in agreement with what I had mentioned. I do plan on getting a bachelors in either RN or RT, but it really depends on how much I like working in RT. I'm glad that I finally can feel comfortable around his family, and know that they like/support me. I think our common interest in the dinosaur has helped bridge a gap between his mom and me. It's a good thing.

Well the dinosaur is singing me the song that means "Please come get me, I pooped my pants and am tired of waiting in my crib". I shall submit to her wills and fancies.

The health bill

I wrote this earlier today and posted it to my facebook page because I was severely tired of republicans whine-a-thon in their status update. I hope some read it, and realized how dumb they sounded. Anyway... here it is:

"I’m so angry… ARGH. I HATE healthcare. I don’t need coverage, even though I have no job and show up in the emergency room for care without insurance. I don’t care that I’m costing the government and my fellow Americans millions and billions of dollars. I don’t want health insurance!! I don’t want big brother telling me to pay taxes on this bill even though I don’t make over 200k. My friend, Bubba, has epilepsy, but I don’t think he deserves health care because he only has seizures, and that’s not so bad, right? I can’t BELIEVE I can stay on my parent’s insurance plan for three more years, WTF?! This is socialism! This is the beginning of the end, and I swear on my right to carry a gun in public that this bill is signaling the end of days (2012, of course). I cannot believe that there are people out there in support for affordable healthcare; it’s insanity. I’d so much rather the government spend the money on defense, and start some more wars that have no basis. I love when our country goes to war for the wrong reasons! Team America all the way!!

Obama must be the antichrist because he wasn’t born in this country. I just realized it last night when he spoke about the bill that passed. He has come to sink this country into a communist régime and I am starting to compile the necessary items for survival in this new world. I must fend for myself only, and make sure I come out on top and let the others die (especially if that means with holding health insurance from them). I must watch fox news 24/7, because it’s the only one not controlled by the communist media. If you need me, I’ll be hiding in my bomb shelter with some guns, spaghetti-o’s, 400 tapes of recorded Nascar races, a statue of Reagan, 100 cases of Red Dog and a hope that you don’t take me seriously."


In case you lack a brain, I was using satire. I'm glad that this bill passed, because honestly I think everyone deserves health care. Simple as that. I know that a lot of people disagree with me, but I'm entitled to my opinion on my blog. So yeah.

I don't really feel like writing much today. It's kind of rainy and gloomy today, and I'm bored. I have seven more days left....

Spring sprung

I hate the past tense of spring (not the seasons, the verb). Sprung sounds like the goop that gets on your shoe after you step on a squishy mushroom. Or some sort of mold that keeps growing on my shower curtain. Anywho.

It's Tuesday, so I am here with Mademoiselle Dinosaur for the day. I only have two more weeks of babysitting her, so I'm sad that I won't get to see her as much when this program starts. She is laying down right now, but I don't think she's asleep because she keeps saying "chat," which is french for cat. I wonder if she is going to grow up to be a cat lady?

Well, this weekend was a bit different. My lovelyface cousin was in town, and we went out with some friends on Friday night. I drank faaaaar too much and paid dearly to the toilet gods. At least I didn't have much of a hangover the next day. Saturday and Sunday I just hung out and lounged around. I bought two books to read before I have all my free time snatched away, Little Women and Blink. I read Little Women a looong time ago, but it's just such a great book that I wanted to get back into it. I love Malcolm Gladwell, and I've already read Outliers.

Boyfriend and I had a bit of a fight on Sunday, but everything was resolved when he got home later that day. Learning to fight fairly is always a hard task when the other one pisses you off. Luckily Boyfriend is understanding and we just talked it out.

I'm still obsessed with being engaged. I can sit and argue in my psyche for hours over this, honestly. Logically, I know that it's a stupid over-hyped ritual that drains money out of Boyfriends pockets for a ridiculous ring. Logically, I don't need to go through the process of being engaged right now, because I will get distracted from school work trying to plan the wedding. Logically, I am still too young to be getting married. However, emotionally, I want this so badly. I want that commitment from him, and I want to be able to say, "I'm engaged." So yeah, if only my emotional "intuitive feeler" side would be suppressed, I could give it up. It just gets harder every time someone refers to me as Mrs. Boyfriend. I know he wants to surprise me with it and everything, but damn, getting engaged in a freaking castle in France is beyond cool. Ok, fuck, I'll shut up about this already. Stupid Disney princess movies brainwashing little girls... pfffft.

Twelve more days until I start this new quarter. It's going to be different, and hopefully I will really like my teachers. The way it works at my school for the RT program is like this: 1. You get accepted into the school and start taking prerequisite classes such as AP 1&2, Micro, Physics, Algebra/Pre-calc, English etc. 2. You submit application for the program. It's a first come, first serve basis, and you need at least a 2.5 GPA to get in. 3. You get accepted, and wait for the spring quarter for the start of your second year (which took FOREVER for me because I had 6 months to kill after being officially accepted).

The RT program has two classrooms (I think) in the Health Science building. I'm kind of excited to move from the main classroom building where I had the prereqs, to the HS building. It just seems more exclusive, and plus I get to wear scrubs all the time. The first quarter will be all didactic, and then in the summer I'll start clinicals. Hopefully I'll be placed at Emory, but that's only if I'm a really top notch student... I suppose it's up to my teachers to place us.

Weeeell. I need to get the dinosaur up for some lunch-a-munch. Maybe I'll have some more coffee if I'm feelin all craaaazy :)

Time change

Ick. I got up at 8am on a Sunday morning because of the stupid time change. I guess it's good that I had to get up and be awake, because starting in TWO WEEKS (fourteen days, to be really exact) this will be the norm. I really need to have faith in myself, and just learn to embrace the mornings. I am soooo not a morning person.

I should hop in the shower now, but Boyfriend is still in there and I don't want to impose upon his coveted bathroom time. We have an engagement with his family today that I desperately do not want to attend, and neither does he. Unfortunately we got guilt tripped into this one today, and I'm slightly peeved on how it all went down. Maybe I'll write about how wonderful the event really was later on today, but I reaaaally doubt it.

Ok. Sorry for the short post. I'll tell more later. Oh, btw, I got my books in the mail for this next quarter(!!!).

Meow

21 more days until the program is officially underway. I spent most of Friday afternoon re-learning cardio a&p, and hopefully I will be able to get through to pulmo and nephro after I'm done with cardio. I guess my reasoning is that if I review the basic stuff we learned in a&p, then I can focus on the more complex parts for Cardiopulm a&p. I posted this on facebook, and immediately I had a few of the girls in my program commenting on how good I was for reviewing. Honestly, I am not doing it to get ahead of them, I am doing this for my benefit. There's a difference.

Most of the time I'm pretty impartial to the competition in between all of us RT students. If someone asks how I did on a test, I'll tell them, but I won't go skipping down the halls with the test score written on my forehead (like some people I know...). After reading some of the RT student blogs I noticed that most people get annoyed several times over classmates bragging or whatever. My opinion on this is pretty basic: karma. I think my main focus is going to be on clinicals, honestly. I mean, yes, I do need to learn things, and do well on the tests... but stress out over an A vs. a B isn't going to solve any problems. Since the Atlanta RT market is dried up for new grads, I'll be focusing on forming connections and doing everything possible to assure that I'll have a job when I graduate, period.

I looked on simplyhired.com the other day for positions available here in the city, and I was pretty disappointed in what I saw. Most of the positions are requiring at least 2 years of experience. That definitely bummed me out, but there are some other options that I've thought of. I know some people, and more importantly a Hospitalist, in Augusta that could pull some strings and get me a job at MCG's teaching hospital. I'd have a free place to stay while working down there too, so I'd just have to pay for gas for the commute (2 hrs, ick). Anyway, it's a last resort, so I'm just going to have to wait and see what the job market is like here in Atlanta when I graduate next May.

On another note, I went out last night to a pub to hang out with some friends in Decatur. I decided to be conservative and drink only beer, and wow, I learned that yes, you can get a nasty hangover from beer (btw, I don't conform to normal comma grammar because 1. I'm lazy, 2. I think commas are excellent ways to break up sentences and 3. That's how I normally speak). Anyway, Boyfriend is urging me to go out again tonight after we go get some Indian food, but I'm so tired and kind of lethargic. I just don't feel like getting all showered/cleaned up to go out. I like where I'm sitting on the couch. These are my last few weeks of freedom, so maybe I should just rally and get it together. It's looking like Boyfriend isn't giving me much of a choice. I can have all day to lay around tomorrow, plus the Oscars are tomorrow night!!

Le sigh. I guess it's about that time to go put on the makeup and whatnot. I'm sooooooo enthused. I wish you guys could see how excited I am to get off my fluffy couch spot. LAME.

Ah, as a side note, I'm basically recovered from the flu. I still have a cough or whatever, but at least I'm not confined to the bed anymore. AND we bought the tickets for France last week. Very excited about that.

Ok, well it's time to get ready. Lator gators...

Flu

Sigh.

I caught the flu somehow. I just filled my sick quota for the next 2 years. I just got over a cold two weeks ago. So here I am on a Saturday night, planted firmly on the couch, missing a Silver Sun Pickups & Muse concert. Sigh. Not only do I have the flu, but also my period. It's really soooo much fun.

Anyway, nothing much else to say, just wanted everyone to pity me. Hah. At least I haven't lost my sense of humor. The nyquil is kicking in, and there's the final 2 heats of the 4 man bobsledding. Later gators.

tweedle dee...

That's right folks... It's another Tuesday morning, and dinosaur is down for her morning nap. I have approximately 30 more minutes before she starts raaaarhing (yes I made that word up, but it's seriously what she sounds like).

Yawn. I could have SWORN I got 9 hours of sleep last night, and yet I'm still tired (even after a cup of coffee). I just don't know what to do, other than hope that when the next quarter starts I'll have figured it out. Which reminds me... 34 more days until that madness starts.

I came to a very nice conclusion this weekend. I have about a month left until my life changes drastically for about a year. Once I start my classes on March 29th, I will no longer have much free time. No more sleeping in during the week, and definitely no more drinking to excess on the week days. My conclusion is this... I do have one month left, so why not go crazy and have a fabulous time partying with friends while I still can. This past weekend was what it was all about. Oysterfest is deadly to my hepatocytes, but I survived!!

Well, and update on the whole student loans shit. I am not getting my stafford loans for this quarter due to misinformation from the financial aid office. They specifically told me that I would still get aid while taking 2 online classes this quarter, and they were WRONG. So now, I have a 2,500$ shortfall in my budget for this year, and I had a small freak out on one nice lady in financial aid. It sucks really bad, but I think I'll be ok. I might have to borrow some monies from my parents for testing material and health insurance, but the money I've saved up from babysitting is going to cover tuition/living expenses (hopefully) for the next two months. Le sigh.

I am kind of debating whether I want to continue on with getting stafford loans w/ the school. My other option is to take out a loan with my parents. There are pros and cons to both choices, but in the end it might be a smarter choice to go with my parents because they won't charge me interest on the money. Of course it still has it's drawbacks, mainly that my mom could use the loan as leverage against me for any reason (which I doubt that she would do, but you never know when you are dealing with Crackheadcrazypants). Anywho. I still have to figure out the mess that stupid financial aid brought upon me. Laaame.

Dinosaur is awake, and singing in her room. I think I'll just let her hang out for a while in her cage, I mean crib.

The boyfriend mentioned the big E word again on Friday night. I was a lot tipsy, and he was a lot drunk... which is why he doesn't remember the conversation and I do. He spoke about how he wanted the engagement to be special, and not to fret, that eventually it will happen. tee hee hee, silly boy. The thing about all of this is that I just wanted confirmation that it was going to happen eventually, and I needed a general time frame. I had a talk with him about that about a month ago. It's been brought up since then due to friends/parents/acquaintances ruffling my feathers by asking when it's going to happen. He thinks that I'm stressing out that it hasn't happened, and to some extent I was before (when I had no idea when he was going to do it etc. etc.). Now that I know it's going to happen sometime around May of next year, my mind is at rest about it, BUT when he keeps bringing it up it makes me antsy and keeps it on my mind longer. The whole saying of "out of sight, out of mind," well the same goes for "out of conversation, out of mind."

Since I'm already breaching the topic on this blog, I'll speak about one slight issue in regards to the engagement ring. To me, the engagement ring should be a knock out. I do have specifics as well. Here's my ideal ring: An emerald cut solitaire of at least one carat (my fingers are pudgy and awkward, even though I'm not fat in the slightest), so I need a larger diamond especially since it won't have any side diamonds to back it up. I want the engagement band to be a pretty antique scroll or filigree, but still be a fairly thin band (I don't like bulk on rings). The thing about emerald cut diamonds is that they cannot have a lot of inclusions, because of the way that the diamond is cut (it's easier to see, and therefore needs to be a lot more clean than say a round cut diamond). Anyway. The ring that I just described runs about 7-8k easily, and probably even more than that because boyfriends said he would only considered getting a diamond that is COMPLETELY conflict free (and not just by the Kimberly process). I found a nice website called brilliantearth.com, that certifies each diamond and most of their diamonds come from Canada. But this process also makes the diamond more expensive. I just don't know how boyfriend will handle hearing that I want that sort of ring. I know I shouldn't care about the specifics of the ring, and the engagement is more meaningful than the ring itself, but dammit, I want a nice heirloom ring to give to my offspring one day. Anyway, I should probably just give up this one desire and be happy that I get to marry one very lovely man.

Ok, Dinosaur is in full commotion now, so I must go fetch her. I'll write again probably tomorrow.

It's Tuuuesday

Hellooooooo

I went crazy in a fit of boredom and added a new template to the blog to make it more pretty. I just noticed a lot of other 'novice' bloggers with the same color scheme, so I spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 hours looking for the background I liked, and then another hour figuring out how to unzip the file so it would upload appropriately. Man, sometimes I really get a reality check with computers. I'm decent, for the most part, with technology as long as I sit down and spend some time learning the in's and out's of the machines. Hopefully I'll be proficient enough to handle the ventilators when that time comes.

So. Since I still have 41 more days until the program starts, I will continue to talk about various personal dalliances, and tv shows that have been taking up my time.

First off, my student loans. I guess it does somewhat have to do with school, so I'll start there. Yesterday my school was supposed to put my stafford loans on my debit card that was provided by the government to disperse my loans. Normally, I forget when they put the money on, and I'll realize a week after it's done that I just got 2,500$ to spend on classes. But this time, I need the money fairly soon. I need to buy my plane ticket to France within the next week, so that I can balance my budget for the first quarter in the program. That's basically it, I'm just mad at the school for delaying my stafford loans.

I was sick last week due to the dinosaur and her little cold. It wasn't terribly awful like the last cold I had, but it did fuck up some plans this past weekend. I'm always a little whiney when I get a cold and prefer to suffer in the comfort of my own bed. Anywho. It was an ok weekend, which also included about 4 inches of snow in Atlanta. Crazy eh?

On a regular basis I watch: LOST, American Idol, The Bachelor, Greek, Project Runway (but I think I'm going to discontinue this one), Community, Survivor, Anthony Bourdain, and currently the winter olympics.Ok, so I'll go down the list and give a run through of what I think about each show. I know this is kind of lame, but I thinking about the shows even though they are all smoke and mirrors.

Currently Lost makes me want to cry every time I see it. I could spend about 4 hours discussing the theories and questions answered with questions, but today i'll just keep it brief. There are two things about this last season that have me scratching my head. First, the split realities. Ok, that's cool and all... they are using the parallel-universe-time-travel-theory but then you remember that Jack and all the others still think that anything they do now (in the past) can change the future of the island. It's just a mess, really. A very expensive, creative, dramatic, and sexy show though. It's sci-fiesque, so I'll let it off the hook. The second thing that's got me questioning is the locke-smokey-facade thing. I REALLY hope that gets explained by the end. That's all I will say about that.

American Idol is getting older, and more boring. It's still better than watching the nightly local news, but only by a few hairs. I'm so far not impressed with Ellen's judging style (even though she is funny), and I miss Paula's generally positive feedback to the contestants. I don't really like Kara too much; she just tries a little to hard. None of the contestants are really stand out omg they are going to win yet, but it's all staged anyway.

Sigh. The Bachelor. I love to hate that show. My sentimental romantic side really does want to like this show, but the cliche invested verbiage that spews out of all the contestants mouths make me want to gag. The only people to ever really get married on that show were Trista and Ryan, and it's hard to top those guys. Anyway, Jake cut out Gia last night. Both boyfriend and I called that one. He was just not as into her as Tenley and Vienna. What's up with those weird names anyway? Ok, so the obvious choice for a wife goes to Tenley... but Vienna is all playful and highly sexual. I really think that it could go to either on of them, even though in the end it won't work anyway. Hehehe. 2 weeks until the finale.

I'll skip Greek and Project Runway since I'll probably drop watching those shows soon.

Survivor is doing another past cast reunions with a different twist (yeah right), called Heros v. Villains. Lets put all the fame whores back on the island for another go around and see who can play the most mind games and blindsides. I personally think Russell should have won last season, but he's back for another attempt regardless. I want to see Amanda FINALLY succeed, but she's soo... I don't know, bland? She hardly ever plays really dirty. Coach is back, BLEh. Anyway, enough rambling about that.

Anthony Bourdain has lost all of my interest. He's just a boring old man that used to be fun, crazy, and full of witty comments. Now he is close to being lumped in with Samantha Brown's pathetic travel show. Come on Tony, step it up. The Hudson River Valley is NOT exciting, and neither is inviting Bill Murray for a dinner guest. It just dates you horribly.

Ahhh, the Winter Olympics. Sigh again. I know all I'm doing is griping about tv right now, but that's what blogs are for right? I love watching the summer olympics, but honestly the only real thing I care about in the winter olympics is ice skating, and come to find out on the news it's probably fixed anyway. Lame. Vancouver has been doing a shiiiiitty job with the olympics and i'll leave it at that. I'll still watch it though...

Poor dinosaur, she's really scared of the leaf blower right now. I'm gonna go pick her up so she will stop being scared. Leaf blowers are scary to a 15 month old.

OOOk. Au Revoir for now.