Pt. 2

So, I didn't do quite as much studying as I hoped to do, but I'll deal with the repercussions in the morning when I'm staring into the deep darkness that is the multiple multiple choice question. Let's see if I can name out all the shitty shit that's on this test: ABG interpretations, Co2 transport, O2 transport, Innervation of ventilation, ALL shunts you can possible think of, types of hypoxemia, Alveolar air equations, Ca02 equation etc, Shunt equation, annnnnd he will probably throw in some stuff on 02 sat curve shifts. Blah. I guess that means I'll be waking up early to go over more notes tomorrow.

This post really isn't about the test though. I can't sleep because I've got shit on my mind. It's annoying shit that I've been over time and time again with boyfriend. It boils down to that we've been together for three years and I don't think he's ready to get married, or move in that direction. We can talk all day about what it will be like when we're married, and all that jazz, but the simple fact of the matter is that he knows it's important to me, and yet, it hasn't happened.

I hear it all the time from family and friends, "So, when's it gonna be..." and I'm tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me for not being engaged right now. I'm only 24, I keep telling myself. But it's tiring, and I feel like there's a part of me that feels like I'm not special enough to be his wife. Everything's hunky dory when we play house, but I don't want to be the one that keeps bringing up getting engaged.

I wish I could blame it on one thing, but it's really more of a clusterfuck of issues that girls deal with on a daily basis. Watching The Little Mermaid over and over and over again also doesn't help five year old little girls build up a realistic image of marriage either.

I just took the longest sigh in the world. I can be such a petty child sometimes. I go through days where all I can think of is being able to call myself Mrs. Wife, and then there are times when I talk to my cousin and she puts me back into a realistic perspective. I hear her voice, and then think about how most marriages fail, and how people change. I'm trying to keep her voice steady in my head when I feel like this. It's hard though. Hard, especially for me, because I do have a low self esteem most of the time, and don't feel like I'm worth very much. It just doesn't help much with the whole situation, it makes me feel like I'm unwanted, which I know isn't true, but it's still looming. Yeah. Great things to think about as you go to bed. I'll probably dream of a gigantic toilet that I get flushed down, oh wait, that was last night's dream.

Well. Bed time.