Monday, June 28, 2010

First day back

Brutal this morning. Absolutely brutal. I hate adjusting my sleep schedule like that. Argh. I had to get up at about 6am due to the change of residence and also change in when class starts (8am). Dr Grumpy pants was out on the prowl trying to scare the living shit out of us too. Good times. I think I might of passed the preclinical pharmacology test... but who knows. I know I got at least one of the ten questions right. Possibly even a few more... I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

I did get some bitter sweet news today. I got placed at Emory midtown hospital, which was my number one choice site for clinicals. So that's the sweet part, but the bitter part is that it is in Midtown where I used to live, and also about 1hr away from where i live now. So I'll be waking up at 5am on my clinical days this whole summer and fall. Absolutely the most bitter sweet news I've gotten in a long time. I am so proud of myself for getting the placement at Emory, but so upset in how the circumstances won't allow me to fully enjoy it. I am going to go there and bust my ass with a smile on my face. I will do everything, absolutely EVERYTHING that is required of me plus more. I really want to leave a good impression at all my clinical sites. I can always try and get a clinical site that's more proximal to my parents house later.

Well. Since I have such an enthralling and active social life now... I'm going to go watch the bachelorette and throw shit at the tv. Good luck, and goodnight.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

mon vie

Just a few things of note:

1. No longer going to talk about my reeeally personal life on the blog now. I get to go to clinicals in a few weeks so there should be toooons of writing material from that. I acquired a journal to write out all the frusterations/insecurities/boiling emotions and give me some sort of piece of mind.

2. I am getting a kitten in a few months :) Very excited about that.

3. Got back in the gym today and killed it. I took it DOWN. Plus I've lost like 5-10 lbs, and I want to hit my target weight of 115-120. I am going to be hawt in a few weeks :)

4. Still not quite where I want to be with studying for my pharmacology exam on the first day of class next week. It's going to be evil, I'm sure.

5. I like turtles


That's all I got today kids. Laaaater

Friday, June 18, 2010

moving sucks

Last night I moved out of the apt I shared with boy. He was gone on a trip that I was supposed to accompany him on. When I got into the apartment there were several boxes with all of my things in them. Wow. I felt sick the second that I saw it. I read the note that he left, I got sick again and then proceeded to have a panic attack. I had a friend that was there with me, and after about an hour of hyperventilating and feeling like death, I calmed down with the help of xanax.

I just kept thinking back to all the amazing times we had together, and how he was just no longer interested in having those in the future. It hurts more than I can describe in words. He's so distant, and so cold to me right now. He is certainly not acting like the man I thought he was. I suppose sometime next week we are supposed to talk about things face to face, but I know I'll just be a mess all over again. I have people telling me not to do it, and to be strong and just avoid him from now on, but I just can't get past all of this without having closure to this relationship.

So many promises broken. So many plans left to rot away in the back of my mind. Start over, is no way to begin. The constants aren’t so constant anymore. I still love him and desire us to get back together. I wish it was a possibility, but he just left no room for hope in his phone call, or the letter he left me.

I need to focus on school, life, friends, family, and happiness this year. I'm moving into my parents basement apartment this week so that I'll maintain some sort of privacy. I need to push the 'rents a little faster to get the place furnished because i have no furniture nor bed right now. I hope I can complete it before we start back to class on the 28th. I also get to spend an inordinate time studying pharm drugs for these 9 days. Woo freaking hoo. I just need to throw myself into studying for school, and doing well in my classes. Distractions, it's all about distractions.

I'm still completely amazed that the boy would throw away almost three years of a relationship over petty fighting that could have been resolved in counseling. I don't know if it was just a rash decision, or if he's been completely miserable forever and has wanted it for a while. I guess I'll find out next week when we talk. I need to stop talking about my (ex) relationship on this blog. It's pretty fucking lame.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

the 5 stages

Sorry kids. This has absolutely nothing to do with respiratory today. I'm on break, and don't have a damn thing to discuss about it.

This, today, is about grief. It is about losing the person that you trust the most, that you love the most, and the person that is your best friend, that also broke up with you over the phone. It is truly about coming to the conclusion that no matter HOW much I love him, and HOW much I want to be with him, I don't have him anymore.

I've cried so much that the tears are now dry ones. I've hurt so much in the last four days that even the distractions won't keep me from thinking about it. My life is about to drastically change, and I hope that I'm a strong enough person to deal with it.

I put on the most magnificent show this past weekend. I was on a stage, and I perfected the art of looking as everything was peachy keen. I could have fooled even the best of the best.

You know, I kind of realize who my true friends are right now. The ones that don't have history with him. The friends that are here to support me in my absolute time of need. Those people deserve a freaking trophy for helping me deal with what I've been through.

Things will improve. At some point. For now, I'm grieving.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

the end

It's ok, it truly is. It hurts, but it's over. I just didn't have the balls to do it.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Double A's

Well. Good news all around. I got A's in both classes, and am very pleased with the results. I really couldn't have asked for anything better. I am now enjoying a lovely orange margarita and watching the lightening strike outside of my parents house. I feel great about the direction I'm going in, and I know that there's always going to be opportunities to learn and expand upon my degree I'm working on.

I'm twenty four going on twenty five. A baby in most people's books. But when I was younger I wasn't always driven. I lacked any idea of what I wanted to do after high school graduation. I now know that I really do belong in medicine. I want to help, in any way I can, and if it means doing 10,000 miscellaneous albuterol treatments just have that 1 where it really does make a difference, then I'll do it. I think it's making me a better person day by day.

My personal life has been in the shit can recently. I thought it was getting better, but I was wrong. I'm going to be in my friends wedding this weekend, and if he doesn't show up as my date then I'll truly know how he feels. I just don't want things to be dramatic, especially because this is my friend's weekend, and she totally deserves all the attention on her. It just sucks, because I wanted to be able to celebrate with boyfriend after my final today and I didn't even get a good luck text from him. I knew going into this year my relationship would be under stress, but I didn't realize I'd feel so alone. Maybe it's just something I should get used to. We still haven't gone to counseling. Maybe it really will help us, I really hope it does.

Anyway. I'm pmsing and feeling like crying after writing that paragraph. Might as well pass out early tonight. So much for celebrating the end of the quarter. Sigh.

Monday, June 7, 2010

lonely

Sometimes I just feel lonely. Whether it's getting in a fight with boyfriend, women issues, or just seeing a close friend find someone else to confide in. I also kind of feel nostalgic about kayaking. I don't get to do it often, and I miss it.

Pharm final today was sooo much fun. 179 questions of awesomeness. The last portion of the test I wanted to blow my brains out. It was just a little too much. I would have much preferred to have a blank sheet of paper and start writing every single bit of info I know about a drug, but from what I hear around the grapevine that will probably be happening next quarter anyway.

This next year is just generally going to suck. Between studying for class, going to clinical and being a model student, and trying to keep my home life stable I will just be stressed most of the time. I've already been on edge for the last 3 months. Woohoo, more to come.

I'm not sure anyone even reads my blog, really. It's lonely out there in cyber space for this little girl. Will you be my friend?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Round 1 will be done in 72hrs

Sooo, I'm taking a small break from studying, and thought I'd update peoples on my progress. I looked back on all my Pharmacology grades, and the good news there is that I'll def get an A in the class. I'd have to massively bomb the final to get a B. There's some even more good news in A&P, because I made a 96.7 on the last test, I will probably get an A in the class as long as I get above a 90 on the test. I think it's possible, as long as I don't procrastinate on the studying and do a good comprehensive review. Woohoo.