noodle

I like noodling around the hospital. Yes, I made up the verb, noodle (not to be confused with the southern tradition of sicking your hand in a bank of a lake looking for catfish). It once was a noun in my book, but I've converted it. To noodle: to wander aimlessly, like a noodle would on a plate. Doubt that makes much sense to you kids, but oh well. I find noodling around the hospital to be interesting in two ways, 1. I learn the layout of the extra large hospital, and 2. I meet new people, and it always is fun to get lost. I guess that's three ways, but oh well. I enjoy running errands for my CI, because if I take a little extra time I can always blame it on getting lost.

I was at the hospital today, and I'm starting to really enjoy being at the hospital more than school these days. Though, I do get to "sleep in" tomorrow when I go to school, so that's slightly exciting. I can't believe that I consider 6am to be sleeping in. Man that's lame.

I think my brain is about to shut off in about 3 minutes. Time to sign off now. Later gators.

I want this for my birthday

Things I want for my birthday:

- Ben Folds tickets
- To not be turning 25
- A really excellent book I've never heard of
- Confidence in myself
- A job when I graduate

and...

------>

K thanks :)





Today was good. I thought it was going to be slow, but I got plenty of sleep last night and kept myself busy and entertained all day at clinical. Sarah and I basically roamed around the entire hospital and popped into some of the icu's for a ventilator audit. We also had some CF'ers, which was a good review of pulmonary hygiene.

After spending a few minutes in the neuro icu I realized that there are a lot of doctors that hang out there. I admit, I am somewhat scared of talking to doctors. I haven't spent enough time actually talking to any of them to dismiss any preconceived notions I've built up in my little head. I suppose that will most likely have to change soon. They are still human, right?

I really have no clue who is who in a hospital unless I look at the badge. Sad that you have to stare at some piece of plastic to figure out what sort of qualification a person has. Just my random thought.

Well. It's "late" and I have a long day ahead tomorrow. Good night and I hope that everyone has a stellar day tomorrow. I am going to be playing with some vents. I am actually looking forward to it :)

Some stuff

This is me looking out over Angel's Landing at Zion National park. It was absolutely beautiful. I really enjoyed my whole trip, and will be going back out west soon enough. Perhaps this spring for some Skiing in Colorado or Utah.

Trips aside, I'm now back into the grind of things. I have been back in class for about a week, and so far we've gone over five ventilators (MA-1, Emmerson, Bird 7, 900C (the devil), Bear 3), and things are starting to get sorted out in my head. I think I might be a bit ahead of some of my classmates, but that's only because I've been staying after class and working w/ the vents on my free time. I'm also taking hemodynamics, but it's mostly an independent study class.

Tomorrow I'll be back in the hospital for my second rotation at the same hospital I was at last quarter. This particular hospital has not one ICU... but like, ten million of them. It will be my first time that I'll be taking patients on ventilators. As well as actually having to talk to the doctors... hmmm. I guess we will see how that goes. It scares me because I know I'll need to know my shit before even opening my mouth. At least with the attendings and the fellows anyway. I've been warned to not listen to the residents, and always double check their orders. Makes sense.

The personal life seems to be getting more confusing. I keep trying to date guys, and I'm not able to let any of them close to me. Granted, none of them are really right for me. I suppose that has something to do with it, as well as the fact that I don't think I'm quite over the ex. It's not that I'm still in love with him, because I'm not. I think I'm just really afraid of letting someone that close to me, and getting hurt like I did. The day he broke up with me I felt like someone tied my feet up, kicked me in the stomach several times, dragged me behind a truck for several hours, and then left me in a heap in some damp, dark basement. So, yeah. That's why I can't get close to anyone.

I do feel like an ass for attempting to date these guys, knowing full and well that I just need more time. My match account runs out in a week or two, and I will not renew the membership. I think I need to spend a few more months by myself getting things sorted out on my own, and then we will see how I feel about it all. I don't think I'll completely rule out online dating, but I'm not going to go back to it for some time. And no more attempting to date guys long distance, that's a terrible idea.

Anyway. I'm going to go make some more coffee, study a bit, and finish cleaning out the apartment. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and I just need to keep believing that, and working towards being stable on my own.

marriage: revised

So, a while ago I posted several ranting blogs on how I wanted to get married, et cetera et cetera. Lame. Very very lame of me. I have this stupid, fifth grade idealization of the whole thing and it's just something that was brainwashed into me at a young age.

You graduate high school, then you go to college, get a job, get married, set up a house, and then have babies. That's the expected route. It's the normal route. What people fail to mention to the 10 year old girl watching The Little Mermaid is that marriage sucks, for the most part. Like, 10-20% of marriages are actually happy and are sustained forever.

So why do I keep holding up every single guy to the standard of "the one"? Everyone is doomed unless they meet every single check off on my list.

I really do believe that the loneliness is the hardest part. That's why I'm dealing with dating guys that are mediocre, at their very best. I go through a period of pure bliss and elation when first starting to date a guy and then slowly I start to realize I could never be with that person for long term because A, B, and C. Then what to do?

Fuck et al. Baha. At least I have a really good sense of humor. The important thing I've come to realize is that a woman should never expect a man to stand up and take care of her. That's a spectacular lesson to have learned.

Another quarter...

Hi there kids


Long time no see. There are SOOOOO many of you guys reading my blog, right?

Ok, so it's finally the end of the first quarter of my senior year. Geeeet excited! Yeah, that was all supposed to be sarcastic. All of it. Sucks that sarcasm doesn't translate well into text. It's a lost art.

It's my last day of classes tomorrow, and then I'm off to spend 2 weeks out west with my dad. I'm really looking forward to seeing the most beautiful sights and just relaxing for a while. I'm missing two days of school for it, so it better be fantastic. I'm going to go on my own little adventures and see what I can see.

Next stop, mechanical ventilation. Wooohoooo....


Side note: there are people out there that actually like me, for me. It's insanity!!! Finally met one guy from Charleston, and I'm really looking forward to spending more time with him. He's great. What I've always wanted in a guy, really. He seems to reaaaally be into me too. The chemistry between us is ridiculous. So I might not end up at MCG in Augusta after all... MUSC sounds way more fun :) Depends... toooootally depends.

That one

Once a month I sit and do absolutely nothing. Sometimes I read, sometimes I watch movies, and sometimes I listen to music and engage in somewhat illicit affairs. Sometimes I think too much.

Anyway. I took a break from my normally super busy weekends to just relax and catch up on that sleep.

Sometimes I don't even know who I really am. I feel like I am whatever someone wants me to be. I'm the girl. I'm the girl that goes to school. I'm the girl that can look pretty. I am the girl that is a student. I am the girl that doesn't know if marriage is right. I'm the girl that wants marriage to be right. I'm the girl that's lost on hospital floors. I'm the girl that doesn't know where things go from here. I have to find that little girl in there somewhere. I think she's still hanging around. I've had to suppress her for far too long.



I am now going to do what I want. Just have to figure out what that is....


That girl

Another first

First day at clinical. Whew. Huge. Oh my freaking gawd.

I can't even begin to describe the experience, but suffice to say it was a lot. I have a very particular preceptor that likes to grill students on the first day. Good thing I know my shit. It's just overwhelming with all the people there. I did meet a few friendly faces that I'll remember in times of confusion or stress. I just look forward to learning as much as I possibly can in the time I spend in clinical. This rotation is going to be more of observation and drilling the concepts/drugs into my itzy bitzy little brain, and then the next rotation I go to will hopefully be at a much smaller hospital where I can get my hands in on some intubations (and not have to fight the residents tooth and nail to be at the head of the bed). I'll write more when there's more to write :)

I'm kind of going a bit crazy with all the boys that are trying to date me right now. I did the match thing for a few months... and it was just too crazy. I've been trying to date multiple guys right now, and it's soooo not working with the schedule I'm trying to keep. I'm slowly weeding out the guys that are just not working out. Right now there is not any guy that I could see myself dating long term, but that could change in the future. I'm open to all possibilities, and I'm sure I'll meet some people in the hospital too. Weee shall see... there are a whole lot of reaaaally cute residents.

Ooh kay. It's 6:30 p.m. and I'm exhausted. I will be turning in pretty soon.

Later gators