Some stuff

This is me looking out over Angel's Landing at Zion National park. It was absolutely beautiful. I really enjoyed my whole trip, and will be going back out west soon enough. Perhaps this spring for some Skiing in Colorado or Utah.

Trips aside, I'm now back into the grind of things. I have been back in class for about a week, and so far we've gone over five ventilators (MA-1, Emmerson, Bird 7, 900C (the devil), Bear 3), and things are starting to get sorted out in my head. I think I might be a bit ahead of some of my classmates, but that's only because I've been staying after class and working w/ the vents on my free time. I'm also taking hemodynamics, but it's mostly an independent study class.

Tomorrow I'll be back in the hospital for my second rotation at the same hospital I was at last quarter. This particular hospital has not one ICU... but like, ten million of them. It will be my first time that I'll be taking patients on ventilators. As well as actually having to talk to the doctors... hmmm. I guess we will see how that goes. It scares me because I know I'll need to know my shit before even opening my mouth. At least with the attendings and the fellows anyway. I've been warned to not listen to the residents, and always double check their orders. Makes sense.

The personal life seems to be getting more confusing. I keep trying to date guys, and I'm not able to let any of them close to me. Granted, none of them are really right for me. I suppose that has something to do with it, as well as the fact that I don't think I'm quite over the ex. It's not that I'm still in love with him, because I'm not. I think I'm just really afraid of letting someone that close to me, and getting hurt like I did. The day he broke up with me I felt like someone tied my feet up, kicked me in the stomach several times, dragged me behind a truck for several hours, and then left me in a heap in some damp, dark basement. So, yeah. That's why I can't get close to anyone.

I do feel like an ass for attempting to date these guys, knowing full and well that I just need more time. My match account runs out in a week or two, and I will not renew the membership. I think I need to spend a few more months by myself getting things sorted out on my own, and then we will see how I feel about it all. I don't think I'll completely rule out online dating, but I'm not going to go back to it for some time. And no more attempting to date guys long distance, that's a terrible idea.

Anyway. I'm going to go make some more coffee, study a bit, and finish cleaning out the apartment. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and I just need to keep believing that, and working towards being stable on my own.