More studying, more personal problems

I try to keep my reaaaally personal life out of the blog. It's hard sometimes, because I'm trying to use this blog as a complete vent source about school. I've kept diaries before, and I always blended school and home life intertwined together like chunky monkey ice cream (yes, bananas and walnuts go together like a dream).

This blog is different. I just need to keep that in mind. It's really hard sometimes, especially when my friends are MIA when I tried to call them tonight. I did talk to my mom for a minute, but it wasn't enough to really get out any frustrations. I suppose the best way to explain the situation without involving any details is that I'm having issues trying to improve in my relationship, and keeping the boat above water in school.

Sometimes the feeling of inadequacy is just ever-present. It's an impending cloud that's grey, and dense, and has no signs of ever passing. This cloud hasn't always been there. I know it won't stay there forever, and eventually it will pass. It's really blocking what I love most, the sun. The sun will always shine, and I will too.

School's been the most intense class 5 series of rapids. The minute I get past one insane drop, it all starts over on the next without pause. Taking a second to hop into an eddy is pure bliss, but could also mean a disastrous turn into a re-circing hole. That's where I feel like I am right now. Stuck in a hole that is tossing me around like a towel in a washing machine. Perhaps soon I will resurface for air.

I know my mood is generally pretty chipper, and I always take a positive outlook on life. Nothing ever good comes from constantly being agitated and annoyed. I will occasionally let myself listen to really depressing music (Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Moonlight Sonata, etc. etc.), and it usually helps me to cry it out a bit. It's pretty late, but I don't really see an end to this pathetic whiny blog entry while Nora Jones is on pandora...

So anyway, a true update on school. It's a fairly good chance I will come out of this quarter alive. Taking Microbiology and A&P2 together is just fucking ridiculous. I know I'll be fine for acceptance into the program and everything, so I just have to get through the next two weeks. Two weeks and then I will have relatively easy classes for 6 months.

Btw, I'm an ENFP, if anyone's interested in Keirsy temperment testing.

Today was rough. School was so-so, but the personal life has been failing a lot lately. Fucking inadequacies. Sometimes I wish I was the perfect person for him, but sometimes I really wonder if I'm good enough. What a terrible thought to have in my mind.

I just have two more weeks, and I'll be able to take a second for myself. Unwind this ball of yarn that is so tightly wound.

Adieu