moving sucks

Last night I moved out of the apt I shared with boy. He was gone on a trip that I was supposed to accompany him on. When I got into the apartment there were several boxes with all of my things in them. Wow. I felt sick the second that I saw it. I read the note that he left, I got sick again and then proceeded to have a panic attack. I had a friend that was there with me, and after about an hour of hyperventilating and feeling like death, I calmed down with the help of xanax.

I just kept thinking back to all the amazing times we had together, and how he was just no longer interested in having those in the future. It hurts more than I can describe in words. He's so distant, and so cold to me right now. He is certainly not acting like the man I thought he was. I suppose sometime next week we are supposed to talk about things face to face, but I know I'll just be a mess all over again. I have people telling me not to do it, and to be strong and just avoid him from now on, but I just can't get past all of this without having closure to this relationship.

So many promises broken. So many plans left to rot away in the back of my mind. Start over, is no way to begin. The constants aren’t so constant anymore. I still love him and desire us to get back together. I wish it was a possibility, but he just left no room for hope in his phone call, or the letter he left me.

I need to focus on school, life, friends, family, and happiness this year. I'm moving into my parents basement apartment this week so that I'll maintain some sort of privacy. I need to push the 'rents a little faster to get the place furnished because i have no furniture nor bed right now. I hope I can complete it before we start back to class on the 28th. I also get to spend an inordinate time studying pharm drugs for these 9 days. Woo freaking hoo. I just need to throw myself into studying for school, and doing well in my classes. Distractions, it's all about distractions.

I'm still completely amazed that the boy would throw away almost three years of a relationship over petty fighting that could have been resolved in counseling. I don't know if it was just a rash decision, or if he's been completely miserable forever and has wanted it for a while. I guess I'll find out next week when we talk. I need to stop talking about my (ex) relationship on this blog. It's pretty fucking lame.